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Much is made about which presidential candidate would be better to have a beer with. By many estimates, this is what assisted the victories of the half-wit George W. Bush over the robotic Al Gore and cadaverous John Kerry. Big Brother has access that you do not and has actually shared a beer with both presidential candidates earlier this year. Here is how it went when Big Brother and John McCain met for drinks at one of the Senator’s favorite haunts:

Big Brother was chauffeured up to Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, a short drive from the Internet Dictator’s home base in Manhattan. There, John McCain was found on the casino floor, where the Senator was splitting tens at the blackjack table. He was playing thousand-dollar hands at a $250 limit table, the Senator later explained that he liked to play big, but was not comfortable at the tables for high-rollers and preferred the company of the $15 minimum crowd. A special dispensation by an admiring pit-boss put the Senator among the common man.

Big Brother watched as the Senator doubled down on a 14 while the dealer was showing a deuce. He beat the odds on that one and came out two grand richer. He was surrounded by a few of his buddies (had the Senator not been there you would have mistook them for a Shiners’ convention). Big Brother was accompanied by manservant/bodyguard Marley. The group repaired to the nearby lounge where a whiskey-and-cigarette-voiced woman in a too-short cocktail dress regaled the crowd with a Jimmy Buffett cover backed by a grand piano; the bartender could not draft the Budweiser’s fast enough.

Senator McCain was just off his primary win in New Hampshire, and he really did not like his chief opponent Mitt Romney. The Senator immediately went off as we settled onto our barstools: “Can you believe this guy? He goes whichever way the wind blows. If you don’t like his current position, just wait it’ll change.”

Big Brother tried to change the subject: “Hey, didn’t you used to date a stripper? Do you still know any?”

“Yeah, but that was a long time ago, I swore off strippers when I was released by the North Vietnamese.”

“Oh, you were a P.O.W? I didn’t know,” Big Brother kidded the Senator.

“Ha, ha, you’re giving me the business. If there is even one voter who doesn’t know about my sacrifice during that sh–show, I’m in big trouble.”

“So you think Vietnam was a mistake?”

“Not in strategy, but in tactics,” said Senator McCain.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“We had to show the communists we meant business, so we had to fight the war. Good strategy. But do you know I was shot down while bombing a light bulb factory? What was the tactical sense in that?”

“Hey, better than bombing baby formula factories in Iraq. It’s probably hard for the enemy to do their planning if they don’t have any electric lighting in their bunkers.”

“There weren’t any baby formula factories in Iraq. That was a cover for Saddam’s weapons labs.”

“So there were WMD’s?” Big Brother baited the Senator.

“I didn’t say that,” said the Senator, avoiding the fishhook, “who knows what they were doing there, but he was hiding something.”

Big Brother really had not come to discuss war or politics. John McCain was supposed to be a blast to hang with. “Who wants an Irish Car Bomb?” Big Brother asked as he ordered a half dozen for the group from the bartender.

Someone in the group asked the Senator if the Diamondbacks were going to have a good season. The group debated the logic of paying 44 year-old Randy Johnson $10 million a year as the bartender lined up six pints of Guinness on the bar. Six shot glasses of Jameson floating on Bailey’s soon followed. One of the Senator’s buddies lit the Jameson with a match.

“Ready?” said the Senator, “one, two, three…”

We all dropped the flaming shots in the pint glasses and quickly raised them to guzzle. The Senator had some difficulty as he cannot raise his arm past his shoulder; he leaned his head way forward and stuck out his tongue awkwardly like an ill-tempered ostrich while drinking. He got about halfway through his glass when he had to set it down briefly, but soon finished it with gusto.

“Yeah!” he exclaimed, “Hey, why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?”

“Uh, John, you maybe should stay away from that joke.” Interrupted a member of his group, “You know, you got away with it once, but not during the election.”

“Already heard it anyway Senator. Good one,” said Big Brother, “though the better joke is: ‘Why is Chelsea Clinton an only child?’”

“OHHHH! Do I really want to know?” asked the Senator.

Big Brother will spare you, the reader, any further nastiness directed at the former first family, but the group continued drinking and sharing tasteless jokes for a good part of that early morning. In all, John McCain is a fantastic guy to have a beer with.

That is all,

Big Brother

Tags: John McCain