October 15, 2008
By bigbrother ~ October 15th, 2008. Filed under: Daily Communique.
Good Morning Involuntary Shareholders,
What You Need to Know Today:
As the newest owners of the nine biggest banks in the country it is now your responsibility to shepherd them through this tough time. Now, you do not own the whole of them, so do not think you can march down to your corner BofA branch and start ordering the tellers to make you a cup of coffee. You just own a little bit, about ten to twenty percent. Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson was not thrilled about taxpayers acquiring even that part (and the banks even less so), something about a slippery slope, communism, betrayal of capitalist ideas and all that. Hank had only sought the authority (with no additional congressional or court oversight) to buy up the bad debts gumming up the financial system.
When Congress passed the bailout bill two Fridays ago that gave him the power to buy the debts from the banks, it slipped in a clause that would also allow him to make direct equity investment in firms. The Secretary had not even asked for that! Big Brother is pleased when Congress proactively grants additional power to the executive branch. Usually, those milquetoasts are more passive in their complicity, happy to look the other way while Dick Cheney listens in on birthday phone calls to your grammy.
But back to your part in this whole deal. As the heirs of John Pierpont Morgan, your new role is to guarantee the health of the banking system. No one is exactly clear on how to do that right now, but Big Brother urges that you be prepared to spring into action once someone figures it out.
Someone You Need to Know Today:
John Pierpont Morgan (b. 1837, d. 1913), American financier and namesake of two of the banks you now own. He was the predecessor of the U.S. Federal Reserve, which was created when lesser financial titans concluded that J.P. would not live forever and always be there to pull their bacon out of the fire during the then semi-annual market panics. Morgan was the largest shareholder of The White Star Line, the owner/operator of The RMS Titanic. It is unknown if he held a stake in Pearl Harbor, The S.S. FUBAR, the WTC or any other disaster metaphors.
Today’s Sports:
In further ironic news, “Pacman” Jones was suspended by the NFL for beating up the baby sitter hired by the Dallas Cowboys to keep him out of trouble. The Tampa Bay Rays are one win away from knocking out the Boston Red Sox and their $70 million greater payroll.
Today’s Gossip:
Guy Ritchie, British awful film director, is divorcing his wife of eight years, an American mediocre middle-aged Marilyn Monroe impersonator. She has recently been spotted kanoodling with an overpaid underperforming third baseman from an overpaid underperforming New York baseball team. Big Brother is sure everything will work out just okay for everyone, Kabala willing. You get a taste. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.
Read a Book:
“The future will be better tomorrow.” Dan Quayle
776 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Ross Petras, Kathryn Petras
That is all,
Big Brother
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